Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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based al yankovic
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Home is where your toilet is.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?