[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Everything reminds me of my ex
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.