Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?