Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
You Might Also Like
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?