*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
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“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.