My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one