Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I’d love this…lol
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause