Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
We’ve come full circle
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?