I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Beauty and the Beast