Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Hey I worked for it too!
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.