Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”