To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
who will stop them
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.