You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.