“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
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They have hover bears?
jealous again
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?