[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes