ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.