Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
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my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
he’s doing your taxes