If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it