Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.