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Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????