Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans