I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
inventing words: clothing
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”