Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Lube but for my dry humor.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
NOT all policemen are strippers.