you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
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At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.