“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
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Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?