My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Dead sexy!!
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?