Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
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BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Called it
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,