“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono