Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*