TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
You Might Also Like
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
No selfies while hijacking a train.