It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
quarantine day 3
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
This is me
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
not to brag, but mine was free
I have a type: disappointing
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”