Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
ME (calling my horse with no name):
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.