*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
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You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
i guess his teacher was really pissed
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.