oh good, now I can stop drinking
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Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Always
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives