You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Holy shit he’s back
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.