doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
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I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Optional boss fight.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school