Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
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[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
This meeting could have been a cake
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*