Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.