1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
You Might Also Like
The days of good grammer has went
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
adding to the discourse
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.