You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
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[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
me 2 months after i graduated
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake