Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I am also baked goods
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals