I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
You Might Also Like
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
honestly, i need both:
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.