my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
You Might Also Like
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Sign of the day..
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing