I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.