Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.