Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
You Might Also Like
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how鈥檇 you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I鈥檓 after you now.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I don鈥檛 eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 馃槈
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I鈥檒l start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I鈥檒l be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Them: What鈥檚 wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function