Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
You Might Also Like
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
our love story in four pictures
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”