Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
“HELP WITH CAT”