the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
You Might Also Like
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?