Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
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I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Who did it better?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.